The Lunch Is Not Free

University of Michigan, Ann Arbor. 10 minutes and the professor is still not in class. My natural instinct is that of ecstasy, to enjoy an unscheduled break in the snow outside. But one fellow student goes around the class and collects a few quarters (25 cent coins) from us. After the toll collection, he leaves the room. 

He goes to make a phone call to the professor from a pay-phone for him (the professor) to hurry up and come to the class (this is way before the age of the cell phone by the way). What? NOT take this windfall of a break AND have the gall to call up the professor? 

Another 10 minutes. Professor arrives, panting. I brace myself for the barrage from the professor for CALLING him to come to class, on the double! It IS a barrage – of non-stop apologies for being 20 minutes late and on how he intends to make up for the loss of OUR precious and expensive 20 minutes. 

After all, it IS a hefty dollar amount if the whole semester's tuition fee is prorated to a third of an hour. No wonder a student sues the university a few days later for an unscheduled one day closure due to an unprecedented blizzard. He demands a refund of a day's worth of tuition fees…

And finally, it's the semester finals. The professors hands out the question papers and then leaves the room by saying, "I'll be outside if you have any questions." What? This will be a nokol bonanza! As an afterthought, he reminds us to sign the Code of Honour. Honour among thieves? We write a statement on the top of our answer sheet, "I swear that I have not used, nor have I aided others in using, nor have I witnessed anyone using any unethical means during this exam." Written and signed in pencil, but stronger than ink on a stamp paper. 

The exam ends. No whispering, no furtive glances sideways or to any cryptic scribbles on the palm, no sneaking out of small chits of papers from the pocket. Oh by the way, we already HAVE a large, kosher, chit of paper, the 'cheat sheet', the one full A4 sized paper that the professor allows us to write whatever we wish to write on it, single side – formulas, methodologies, you name it. If I were the Six Million Dollar Man, I could have had a Chinese artisan copy the whole book onto that page, the same artisan who inscribes the Encyclopedia Britannica on a single rice grain. The test is of solving problems, real problems, based on knowledge and practical applications, NOT of regurgitating memorised formulas or the 'notes' from 'seniors'. 

I'm trying to think how these three scenarios would pan out in Bangladesh. I do claim to have gained almost double the engineering knowledge from BUET, as the four year degree took seven years to earn, thanks to all the unscheduled closures starting from sine dies resulting from political unrests to voluntary class borjons to watch the world cup cricket games, not to mention three weeks of 'prep' leave to prepare for the semester finals for which we had a whole, extended (remember the seven year degree?) semester to prepare. Oh, and another four weeks to complete the finals with long, long gaps for another bout of academic net practice. 

Sue the university to get our tuition fees back? First of all, we will get back nothing given the peanuts we paid, if at all, to earn world class degrees on tax payers' dough. It is the (public) universities who should sue us, for all the money THEY spent on us to provide a mega subsidised education. When you get something for free, you DO take it for granted. 

Taking both my Bangladeshi undergraduate and US graduate education into a pot, I go to teach at a private university. Attendance percentage? Why? Aren't these kids paying (ok, not VAT for now) an arm and a leg to be in the air conditioned classroom? My standard line to them: "If you don't feel like coming to my class, it is my failure as a teacher for not being able to attract you to my class."

I always had a packed class.

There is no such thing as a free lunch. And even if the price is symbolically peanuts, the lunch should not be free. Otherwise, we WILL take it all for granted.

The writer is an engineer at Ford & Qualcomm USA and CEO of IBM & Nokia Siemens Networks Bangladesh turned comedian (by choice), the host of ABC Radio's Good Morning Bangladesh and the founder of Naveed's Comedy Club. E-mail: naveed@naveedmahbub.com