King for Just One Day

I call back the unknown number from the missed call list. "I think you just called me. Who is this?" 

The lady on the other side, "Me? Who are YOU? I didn't call you!! YOU are the one who just called me, oshobhbho kothakar!" She hangs up. 

Next call from the missed call list. Another lady answers. She's a little older. Sophisticated. "I just got a call from this number."

"Who are you?" Serious, stern, but cautiously polite. 

I cut to the chase to avoid another accusation of being a stalker: "I'm Naveed Mahbub, returning your call." Pause. 

"Are you a member of Gulshan Society?"

"Yes."

The tone changes in an instant as I transform from an obscure cold caller to a first class passenger boarding an aircraft. 

"I've called to seek your blessings for my husband who's running for the upcoming Gulshan Society elections."

I have no shortage of blessings for others – doesn't cost a dime to be nice. 

"What's his election mandate?"

"A clean, traffic-free Gulshan."

That's a tall order. You can't just relocate 40 families who are on a piece of land that was originally allocated for a single family. However it's achievable to reverse the Gulshan-to-Gulistan-metamorphosis if only one follows the RAJUK signboard set up on Gulshan Avenue clearly stating the strict zoning of this residential area. 

So, I ask my point blank question, armed with my single vote: "If elected, can he enforce strict zoning?"

I at least get an honest answer: "It's a Pandora's box. You're asking for the impossible. What we will try to do is free up the sidewalks taken up by established establishments."

Good. That's a S.M.A.R.T. goal – Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time bound, though the last three are the biggest wild cards. 

Meanwhile, I am coronated to be a king for one day – E-Day. Till Election Day arrives, I am a devout man, praying for all those seeking my prayers, a respectable murubbi (elder), sought after for my blessings while being tested for my memory (which is terrible), "Do remember the name when you vote, ok?" My home is also flooded with pamphlets, to the delight of my 4 year old, who uses the reverse side for drawing. 

D-Day. I deliberately go to vote just one hour before closing. Two rows of people stand there with hands outstretched to greet me and to give me additional drawing papers, er, pamphlets. It's an electoral guard of honor, akin to Kumar Sangakkara entering the field on his last match through a canopy of cricket bats. I am greedy. I further prolong the pleasure, walking around while delaying the actual voting process.

Right at T minus 20 minutes, I walk to the voter reporting station only to discover that my name is not on the voter list…

I do feel like a fool, taking the reversed route back. 

Word travels fast. The same folks who gave me the guard of honor, now part like the Red Sea for me to exit (and then get drowned). 

Hey, maybe a lot less effort and resources can be spent to first find out who are not on the voter list and hound them for them to get their dues up to date so as to be ELIGIBLE for showering blessings and prayers. 

Gulshan Society, Gulshan Club, Goalondo or Great Britain polls, it's the same picture. Donald Trump also kisses the infant of the woman in a hijab (the latter's US citizenship verified earlier), only to be sent back 'home' after his entering the White House. 

A cruel, selfish world? No. There really is no such thing as a free lunch. And that is fine. If I am there to pray and bless for a few days, that is fine. This at least gives me a chance to say hi to many whom I will not get a chance to otherwise. If an ulterior motive brings people together for cordial exchanges, so be it. It is far better than no interchanges based on zero incentives. Besides, have to give credit to those who throw themselves into thankless jobs.

So, continue with an agenda, even if I am no king for a day…

The writer is an engineer at Ford & Qualcomm USA and CEO of IBM & Nokia Siemens Networks Bangladesh turned comedian (by choice), the host of ABC Radio's Good Morning Bangladesh and the founder of Naveed's Comedy Club. 
E-mail: naveed@naveedmahbub.com