T&T

WITH the influx of illegal aliens in the US, Donald Trump says, "My ancestors from Germany didn't come [immigrate] to America to see this land taken over by immigrants." Right. Illegal immigration in the US should have been nipped in the bud in 1492. 

After Paris, Donald Trump advocates that Muslims in the US be registered. Finally, Muslims are elevated to the status of the industrious Japanese Americans who were interned after Pearl Harbor. 

With San Bernardino, Trump attempts to trump the Presidential bid by saying that not only will Muslims not be allowed to enter the US, but also that Muslim Americans, who are now abroad, will not be allowed back in. As a result, Air Force One stays put at Andrews Air Force Base lest Barack 'Hussein' Obama accidently ventures outside of US airspace for just 17 seconds and faces the electoral equivalent of the fate of the Russian Sukhoi jet inside Turkish airspace.

What goes unnoticed though is that a tiny player in world politics influences a giant. Bangladesh, The Apprentice, takes a stance on Facebook which inspires The Master, Donald Trump, to want to block the internet altogether. The latter believes that the internet is responsible for Americans 'self-radicalising' themselves. Mr. Trump reaches the conclusion from following the developments in San Bernardino on the internet. 

Trump is trumping up the hillbilly votes to one day enact tough DUI laws – Driving Under the Influence of Islam. For now, he will have to be content with cops pulling one over for the possession of drugs, just as in Bangladesh, one gets pulled over for the possession of a VPN (Virtual Private Network) client on his smartphone.

Don't drink and drive. Don't click and drive. 

The T&T, aka, Trump and Tarana Doctrines, with the former delivered through bellicose fervour and the latter through rational humility and even apology, state that the world is safer without the internet and Facebook respectively. Opponents argue that with the window opened for sunshine, some flies will enter. 

Arguments are valid on both sides. After all, China, minus Facebook, Gmail and a Guantanamo-like internet, still manages to build a smart car that runs on brain power. Oh, by the way, Mr. Trump is unable to start, let alone drive this car.

Understanding and appreciating both sides of the argument, the Government in Bangladesh meets with Facebook and requests it to set up an office in Bangladesh to monitor and filter harmful content. I thought at least to monitor, there already was such an office, called the Government.

After blocking Facebook there perhaps is a lull in crimes, if we discount the stabbing of two Indian Sikh gentlemen in Chittagong, the shooting deaths of two brothers in Cox's Bazaar, a Comilla woman being hit by a bullet entering through her kitchen, the rape and murder of a 7- year-old in Kumarkhali Upazila, the strangling of an octogenarian in Dinajpur and a housewife in Dhunat Upazila… But if the net gain is still even one life saved, then many, including myself, who rely on Facebook for their livelihoods, will gladly give it up for good and go back to the good old days of seeing the real faces of real friends rather than the surreal faces of virtual friends (limited to 5,000) on the real Facebook (or someone's face on the moon). 

Patience. After all, being a VPN-Facebooker means that the account may get hacked and being a blogger means getting hacked.

So, what gives? Just like the movies The Day After being about the aftermath of a nuclear war and The Day After Tomorrow being about a post-catastrophic storm, are we going to see another movie The Day After the Day After Tomorrow about life after the internet and Facebook?

The answer is an emphatic no. Facebook is a genie that is out of the bottle. In Bangladesh, Facebook's face is merely getting an extreme makeover. All on both sides of the camp are ready to press the collective 'Like' button as soon as there shall be a new birth of Facebook – and that this Facebook of the people, by the people, for the people, (ok, ok, from THE Zuckerberg) shall not perish from the internet.  

The writer is an engineer at Ford & Qualcomm USA and CEO of IBM & Nokia Siemens Networks Bangladesh turned comedian (by choice), the host of ABC Radio's Good Morning Bangladesh and the founder of Naveed's Comedy Club. 
E-mail: naveed@naveedmahbub.com