Smile

I cannot remember the last time I smiled.

Now, don't get me wrong; I curve my lips upwards in order to express positive feelings all the time. However, I have not really, truly smiled for quite a long time.

Take the day before as an example. At school, people were laughing about an 'ingenious' prank they had played on an innocent girl. They had set up a fake Facebook account through which they had conned her into thinking a guy was in love with her. I did not find this half as amusing as everyone else, so I didn't smile. I did, however, curve my lips upwards; like every other teenager, I am in dire need of friends, and anyone will be your friend if you smile at their jokes.

When I came home from school, I once again curved my lips upward in response to my mother's queries about school. I couldn't smile, though, because things were not okay like I'd told her. There was simply no point in explaining the various troubles of high school to her, since she already has enough on her plate.

On that afternoon, I received an Eid gift from a friend. It was a beautiful dress—splashes of colour that sparkled when it caught the light—but it was something I would never be caught dead in. I was quite disappointed that my own friend didn't know my taste, but I curved my lips upwards anyway, because we have been taught since birth to never find fault in gifts.

An aged colleague of my father's dropped by for tea. I have known him for quite a long time and am quite familiar with his outdated views. So I was not surprised at all when he talked for an hour about the foolishness of women who pursued higher education. "Women should learn how to cook, clean, and be a good mother," he declared pompously, "not about the theory of relativity and human anatomy." Even though the feminist in me was screaming in protest, I silently stared at him and kept my lips curved upwards, partly to get him to stop talking and leave, and partly because arguing with the elderly is considered a severe act of disobedience.

There was a party that night at a neighbour's house. People came up to me and admired my clothes and hair and shoes. I could see the disdain hiding under the false admiration, yet I curved my lips upwards to portray my fake gratitude. The hostess asked me if I were enjoying the party and I replied in the affirmative, with my lips curved upwards, because I was actually bored out of my mind. All everyone ever talked about was either money or gossip, neither of which was appealing to me. However, I had to keep my lips curved upwards the whole time, occasionally passing out not-so-heartfelt compliments, because that is just how you are supposed to act like around the elite of the society.

At the end of the day, when I analyze all these events, I realize that every day is alike. The exact events may vary, but the results are always the same. In order to conform to the rules of society and get along with friends, family, and peers, my own opinions constantly take a backseat. The world only seems to get duller, and the future turns bleak.

I do not know when I will finally be able to smile. Nevertheless, I am on the lookout for any opportunity that presents itself. Be it a random act of kindness, or just a really great song playing on the radio on a breezy afternoon, I'll be ready for it.

The writer, aged 17, is an A-level student at Sunshine Grammar School and College, Chittagong.