Bollywood Premier League

OH hello! You DO look so sickly after your Dengue. How are you doing now?" I tell Mashrafe Bin Mortaza. 

My wife grimaces and scolds me sotto voce, "This is Tamim Iqbal, NOT Mashrafe!" 

I smile a sheepish smile at the not-so-happy, perfectly fine and fit Tamim Iqbal as I slowly make way to the rush (thank goodness) of fans flanking him.  

Just as David Beckham is this year's Sexiest Man Alive (does that make Rock Hudson the Sexiest Man Dead?), Justin Trudeau is Sexiest Man in Office, Imran Khan is the Sexiest Man Talking through His Hat, Tamim Iqbal, thanks to my cricketing dyslexia, is now the Sexiest Man with a Punctured Ego. Maybe I am the one who makes his fuse thin, which eventually blows during his locking horns with the Sexiest BPL Team Owner Cussing, not sparing multiple generations of Chittagong's star.  

Money can buy you tiger's milk, and maybe a tiger too, but most definitely not a Tiger, aka, a national cricket player. Oh well, Can't Buy Me Love…

The games have begun. A hat trick, a one game suspension, ICC's Best ODI  player of 2015 and a player going home for a crooked bowling arm, all starting from a glitzy inauguration ceremony of BPL – Bollywood Premier League. Jacqueline Fernandez enters the stage. I'm no Farzana Shakil, but I thought the only other time I saw those two vertical pony tails were on my 3-year-old pre-schooler. I was expecting a coquettish glance into the camera with a husky voice, "I'm barely eighteen"… Icing on the cake are KK and Hrithik Roshan. Nothing is complete without the interviewing being outsourced to Pamela Singh Bhutoria, with many an aspiring local failing S@ifurs' qualifying rounds.  

Consolation prizes for Momtaz and Chirkutt, but after all they are 'second tier' to us. That's ok, a Dhallywood Premier League wouldn't sell as many tickets to the opening ceremony. Hey, for a programme in Bangladesh (now a middle income country), we can hire Indian stars at will. 

Lopsided? Not quite. The balancing act is at the enclaves as there is a redistribution of citizens between Bangladesh and India, amidst tears of separation. Adding to the tears while making all bilateral activities asymmetric, BSF fatally shoot two Bangladeshi cattle traders along the Toluigacha Border in Shatkhira Upazila. To break the odd number jinx, another is shot to death within days, making it 24 to date this year. 

I know it's the year-end with hard targets (an ironic pun) to achieve. Maybe an attempt to up the target 'realisation', the BSF enters Bangladesh and beats up and injures five in Kolora Upazila of Satkhira District near the Goalpara Border. 

Meanwhile, Bangladesh sends its advertising dollars across the border while Dipto Bangla TV launches to replicate Zee Bangla's soaps. Good business model, considering 70 percent of Bangladeshi viewers are high on soap. But I also say good luck – considering how Bangladeshi viewers viewed Bangladeshi Idol and Ke Hobe Kotipoti as the viewers want the real deal, not a 'deshi' version.

So, start growing a mustache and practice bobbing your head, you just might get a top job through the Tamil Nadu quota.

The writer is an engineer at Ford & Qualcomm USA and CEO of IBM & Nokia Siemens Networks Bangladesh turned comedian (by choice), the host of ABC Radio's Good Morning Bangladesh and the founder of Naveed's Comedy Club. 
E-mail: naveed@naveedmahbub.com