Short Story
Pillow talk . . .
It was 4:30 in the morning, and David cracked open an eye to get a feel of the surroundings and get his bearing. He turned left to check if Mindy was awake or had gone off to work which was when he realized that he had a slight headache, probably from the sleep deprivation, but he also could not rule out the possibility of being overwhelmed from all the thoughts swirling around in his head. Mindy, who was lying next to him and was fast asleep until then, felt some movement on the other side of the bed and now slipped into a mode between sleep and awake. In this semiconscious state, she realized that the source of the rustle was David's habitual restlessness as he emerges from sleep, and she made a soft nondescript purr to acknowledge that they were both awake and wanted to know if David was planning to sleep some more. David, in response to Mindy's question, lay still for a few more seconds, and then let out a little grunt that did not reveal his full intentions, but which both of them considered acceptable in lieu of a full answer in these early morning, casual settings. A few minutes passed before David broke the silence. He whispered, almost as if speaking to himself, "Can I ask you a question? Do you really love me as much as you say you do?" "I am not sure what you mean, Dave," is all Mindy managed to say. It was too early in the day and she was not ready to tackle a question which could have so many different shades of meanings. "Well, you know, how you always say after we fight or sometimes even during an argument, 'I wish you knew how much I love you'. Last night I woke up with a funny feeling. I am not sure if I had a bad dream or not, but I was awake for at least an hour and all kinds of thoughts were going through my mind." "Yeah? What kind of thoughts were they? Were you thinking about your brother again?" "No, I do miss him, though. He was my best friend until I met you," David paused long enough to gather his thoughts and to retrieve his original train of reasoning. "OK, last night I was thinking about my plan to start a business of my own. You know about it, right? I was thinking if I start my own business, I wouldn't then have to deal with Kevin on an everyday basis. He's just become a pain in my ass. Once I have my own business, I can make it grow, and one day, may be one day, have him work for me. That bastard! I am sure he'll get fired from his job one of these days. We'll all light a candle every day until that happens". "So are you having trouble with Kevin again? Remember, I told you he's a maniac and you should just try to give him what he wants and stay away from him! So, what was his beef this time? "Well he wanted me to finish a report that he had earlier said was due next month, but now he wants it by next week. His reasoning is that the company is speeding up its tax filing date this year to get some tax breaks. Boy, these guys really behave like slave drivers… Anyway, that's not the only think I was really thinking about last night, since you ask. I was thinking more about us and our relationship. Where are we with our relationship and where is it heading? I am kind of mulling over our future and so on. I can't sort of forget how I met you, and then you know… how we broke up after a year?" "Oh, David, David, David… Why bring up something that we both don't want to go over again. And, I will be the first person to admit that the breakup was a mistake on my part." Mindy knew that their erstwhile breakup is still fresh on David's mind, and the thought of it unnerves him often. She was willing to take most of the responsibility since she did not want to create another issue by taking only partial blame for it, even though she is not sure if assigning responsibilities for any breakup, particularly theirs, is as easy as she tries to make it sound. She now tries to get him to focus on something else, and to flesh out the real source of his anxiety. "I don't know why you bring it up whenever you are in this reflective mood, Dave. And also, you know obsessing about bygone days only makes you feel anxious and brings up your childhood memories." "OK, may be you have a point there…I hate being miserable, and want to be in a happier place. So, coming back to what I was asking before, you always say that your feelings for me has grown since we split up and that you are ready to take our relationship to the next level. Do you really love me that much to be able to do so? More than before?" The last question caught her attention and Mindy felt that the questions probably needed to be taken by the bull's horn. Assuming that something about their relationship is on his mind, it's best to address it heads on. Not sure how to tackle this thorny issue, she tries the reconciliation gambit which has often worked in the past. "Well, it's a good question…let me think! I love you a lot. Do I love you as much as in the past or do I love you more … " Now she paused and tries to buy some time, since she was a little nervous about trying to come up with a response that David might memorize by heart and which might end up being a constant source of irritation in future conversations. A wrong choice of words could only make him more anxious at this hour. How does one try to be honest, but at the same time be supportive? Mindy remembers that before they broke up, she and David would spend hours going over aspects of their relationship, which often led to pledges of allegiance to each other that would seem to make their commitment stronger. But soon thereafter they broke up, and in its aftermath all these words seemed to be empty and a thorn on their side. David was the one who had taken the breakup the hardest, and the old promises and words only provided grist to the mill. Mindy just wants to be faithful and realistic now. Before the breakup, David was always willing, even eager, to declare his commitment to Mindy in very dramatic terms. One of his favorite expressions was "Mindy, I love you so much that I can jump off a cliff for you", which he would announce with a little touch of oratory flair. When he said it the first time, she was caught a little off-guard since she was not expecting any such proof of his love. Moreover, jumping off of a cliff to prove your commitment was too drastic a measure, she reasoned. If, on the other hand, one was training in the army and had to jump off a cliff as part of a fitness exercise, or to strengthen the body muscles, she could understand. She had several other questions relating to this "ultimate test of love" paradox, but she never articulated these to David. Has anybody really jumped off a cliff in recent history? To her, the act was too violent to be considered an evidence of love. Bringing a bouquet of roses she would have considered more appropriate, and romantic. Also, what does the act of jumping to almost certain death really achieve? To her, such pronouncements, while they sounded very comforting, albeit a little amusing, during their first time together, appeared to be somewhat provocative now. Since David and Mindy got back together, she has been careful in choosing her words. She does not definitely want to echo David's declaration and just parrot, "Me too", since she is not sure what such verbal assurances would accomplish. Also, she needs to be sure before making any promise to fly off of a cliff that she is serious about following it through. After they broke up, Davis had repeated his vow to jump off the cliff, but Mindy was very nervous about such statements from him, given his fragile mental state of mind which she had not factored in when she decided to go out with Arty, David's older brother. What if David had actually done something so rash, then the world would be pointing a finger at her. Also, that would have probably triggered an immediate end to her relationship with Arty. And then, how do you live knowing that a man gave his live for you. The rest of the universe would probably assume that she had also promised to jump off the cliff with him, but had reneged on her part of the pledge. On a more realistic level, Mindy was aware that people frequently give their kidney or other organs to help their beloved ones, and to Mindy, that is proof enough of love. A few silent moments passed between them. Mindy was feeling a little relieved that David was not talking which she was hoping would allow him to take his mind off any remnants of hurt and misgivings that he might harbor from the breakup. But soon, she learned otherwise, when David spoke again. "Oh, Arty, how I miss him but also hate him now. He'll always be between us, Mindy. When I remember him, I always go back to the time when we went to school together and ended up fighting other boys as a team. But, now, I kind of also slide into the time when you left me for him. I wanted to ask him why he was taking away the most precious thing in my life. But I couldn't. I know you've said you had broken up with him before he died. I wanted to ask him so many other questions," David paused, with his mind in a foggy state now, and drifting in and out to the time when they had just broken up. The déjà vu feeling started coming back again, and revived the bad memories of that time. He recalled the conversation he had with his psychiatrist who, when pressed on by David, had suggested that Mindy might be exhibiting a condition known as Capgras Delusion, which causes a person to develop a detachment from a loved one. This hypothesis regarding Mindy's sudden change in behavior seemed to explain also why she started going out with his brother, and eased his pain somewhat as he could understand why Mindy was treating him like a stranger as a Capgras victim would. As all these thoughts were going through his mind, everything was quiet for almost two minutes, before he slowly and softly started again. "But, I hope you really mean it when you say you love me more than before…I'd really like to believe it. You know Mindy, when you left me I was in so much misery that I thought that I'd die from the pain and my bleeding heart. I was mortally wounded, you know, but I couldn't tell anyone that my brother stole my girl. You knew, one person I could trust during my darkest moments was my boss, this fucking Kevin. I didn't tell you this before, but I had to confide in him otherwise he would have fired me a long time ago. I was constantly late for work, and was not getting anything done on time. Boy, was I in deep shit, but what hurt me more is that I couldn't tell anybody what happened. Kevin was much nicer then, and I felt I could trust him. One day I was at the water cooler, and he stopped by and tapped on my shoulder, and had the look of someone who would understand my situation. He got me during my most vulnerable time, and I let my guard down. I told him about you and my brother, and he genuinely seemed to understood. I think he might have been going through a similar event in his own life. I never found out though, but as soon as he heard my story he said he understood and even suggested that I should take a few days off. In the end, I decided not to, 'cause I was afraid I would be even more miserable at home all alone with the TV on and drinking as my only companion. Luckily for me, Kevin, the bastard, got off my case right away, and cut me a lot of slack. Even when he heard that my brother died he came to me and asked if it was the same brother who had caused me so much grief… I can't tell you, Mindy, how much you hurt me. I was really surprised when you grabbed my hand at Arty's funeral. For a moment, I was so confused, not knowing what's causing more painthe loss of my brother, the sight of you in mourning, or the feeling that I might have contributed to his death. I was not sure when you came to my apartment a week after his death and told me that you and Arty had broken up, whether it was because you really wanted to get back with me or you just wanted to comfort me. I couldn't be sure, and still I am not fully sure deep down inside whether you felt pity or wanted to come back to me to get over the pain of losing him. I guess in the final analysis it doesn't matter since …." Before David's soliloquy went on any longer, Mindy wanted to get a word to him, and weighing the cost and benefit of interrupting him, took the plunge in favor of speaking. "David, it's all water under the bridge now. You are the most resilient person I know, and look at the brighter side of your current situation. You have your job, got your girl friend back, and have her unqualified love, and believe me that's truer than the cliff I could jump off of or the kidney that I could give you that you don't need." She paused for a second, and started singing a song, one they've heard on the Top 40's radio,
"So baby don't worry, you are my only,
You won't be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,
You'll be my only, no need to worry,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Even if the sky is falling down…." She started humming the rest of the song, and stopped. Another few seconds went by, before she resumed in a soft and low tone, "And you know very well that I always loved you even when I was away from you. I was never out of love with you. The next time you have a bad dream or lie awake and have bad thoughts …." Before Mindy could finish her sentence, she realized that David was fast asleep and all she could hear was the deep whoosh of his breathing. She paused and listened to the sound of his breath, which felt like a whiff of breeze that had come and was gone.
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