Embracing a smaller social circle without feeling guilty

Living abroad taught me that shallow conversations drain more energy than solitude ever could. Trimming my social circle in my 40s was not about being unsocial—it was about protecting my peace and cherishing the few who truly know my heart.

One can call me unsocial, although I will disagree with them. I think I am just socially selective, because in my mid-40s, I love depth over noise.

Tap here to add The Daily Star as a trusted source

Yes, my friend circle has shrunk over the years. However, the people I call friends today have stood the test of time, which means that together, these people make my support system.

Just like people change over time, friendships change, too. At some point in life, you may begin to seek genuine friendships rather than surround yourself with people merely because you need someone to talk to. As for me, I would rather spend my time alone than socialise with people with whom I have little in common.

At this point in life, I simply cannot make small talk; it drains me. I have been an expat for more than 18 years now, and in all this time, I have managed to make only two genuine friendships. With the others I knew, our conversations always revolved around food, clothes, jewellery, and other people.

At one point, I realised that I had limited interest in these subjects and that discussing them with people, with whom I began to socialise simply because I thought life abroad could be lonely, was actually a source of stress. Having said that, I do enjoy discussions around food and clothes, when and if the focus is on healthy eating and sustainable fashion. But more than these, I enjoy conversations on current affairs.

Slowly, we drifted apart. Do I miss them and their friendship? No, I really do not.

I would choose solitude and long-distance conversations with people I really connect with over relationships that carry little value for me.

My annual trip to Dhaka is a breather. These trips mean so much to me because I get to meet old friends, people who have known me since I was a child or an adolescent. When I converse with them, I do not have to think and re-think before saying anything; I can simply pour my heart out.

At this stage of life, I am only comfortable around people who allow me to be myself.

Image

I am sure you have one or more people in your life with whom you once had so much in common but are no longer in contact. Work, family commitments, and other responsibilities do not give us the same amount of free time that we had as children and young adults, which means that we gradually become more selective about the kinds of friends we want to keep in our lives.

As a result, as we grow older, our friend circles tend to get smaller. And when we reach the life-altering years of middle age, our circles often shrink even more. In our middle age, it not only becomes more difficult to make new friends, but at this stage of life, we only seek friends with whom we can connect on a deeper level. Small talk with acquaintances is no longer entertaining.

No two stages of life are the same. Our priorities change with age and time.

In our teenage, having a big circle of friends often signifies popularity; the more popular a young person is, the more friends they tend to have. However, this perception often changes as we get older and gain more life experience. At some point in life, you no longer seek the same kind of popularity (after all, popularity also comes with its own baggage), you seek peace. And the source of that peace is often friends; not just any friends, but genuine friends in whom you can safely confide. 

Throughout my 30s, my circle had gotten smaller; it was then when I learned to prioritise quality over quantity. By removing noise, I had learnt to identify true friends and cherish them for their unconditional love and support.

Let me wrap this up by sharing an anecdote. I was talking to one of my best friends over the phone, and all of a sudden, I said, “Please don’t die before I do.” She replied, with confidence, “Don’t worry, I won’t!” A genuine friend is like that, she always gives you hope, even when she does not know what the future holds. I cannot imagine how difficult it is going be to live this life without the handful of friends I have.