A Nerd's Guide to a Valedictorian Speech

The high point of a graduation ceremony is not being reunited together as a batch to say farewells, no, it's obviously when the top nerd, the "alpha student", gets on stage to declare his or her academic supremacy while decrying everyone else's irrelevance. The following are presumably extracts from the guide they adhere to when delivering their speech.

Establish grounds for being the best
The only reason the higher student thanks the audience, the school, the teachers and "fellow" graduates is because that's how the format of a valedictorian speech goes and God forbid them from trying something innovative. Once the formalities are done with, the time to elaborate on the purpose of the speech comes. This of course is to first shamelessly market self-effort, the virtues of studying all day, and being the ideal human being by not indulging in anything remotely social. Then, finally, point out the "unfortunate" lifestyles the other students have picked up which deeply upsets said nerd, who only wishes they could all be standing there together next to, or preferably, behind the smartest person at school. 

Inspiration time and how to reign supreme despite "hardships"
Cue ten minutes of personal stories such as the one time they had to dig deep and persevere after the heartbreak and tragedy of getting 98/100 in an English literature paper (the class average was 43, but that's not important). As shocking as it might sound, sometimes these more studious-than-thou students fall out of grace from most of the batch. For this, the valedictorian matches their uncalled for behaviour to obvious envy of grades using their deep knowledge of Decision Mathematics acquired over the better part of two decades by memorising more books than you have bones. The obvious answer to these apparent bullies, those terrible people who had the audacity to point out having amazing grades did not make someone a superior being, is to reiterate who is standing where and who is graduating on time and who isn't.

Intensify the speech
Having hung posters of themselves with a dozen medals for World and Country Highest is clearly not enough and it leaves the possibility of some of the graduates not having the opportunity to see the grand photos. So to correct that, it's best to prepare a slide including the photos along with a comprehensive list of all achievements dating far back to toddler days. 

Final words of "farewell"
As valedictorian speeches generally tend to end with a whimsical touch on what the future might hold, this great fortune-teller will dictate lofty plans of getting into Ivy Leagues and becoming president of the world and getting a Nobel Prize while the rest might end up doing well too. If the valedictorian is feeling a little warmer than usual, he or she might add that special consideration would be given to anyone from the batch when applying to work for them.

While all valedictorians are not the epitome of vanity, there are those very special ones who have egos that an entire school campus cannot sufficiently contain. For them, this valedictorian speech is the only shot to let it out.