Honest Birthday Wishes

Today I realised that my birthday is just a few days away, and soon I will have to go through the turmoil of typing fake thank yous on quite a large number of insincere birthday wishes. People will exclaim about the many extraordinary qualities I have and how much I have done for them and how much I mean to them; they will very conveniently forget to mention that they do not like me anymore and that they were lying the whole time. 

Look, the number of people that can tolerate me in real life is actually lower than my CGPA. I do not expect anyone to pretend to like me on birthday, nor do I believe that people actually have the time to write anything other than "hbd 2u". Which is why I'm providing you with three complete honest birthday wishes that you may improvise and use for any Facebook friend of your choice.

FOR A FRIEND
"Hello there, Shyamlota. This isn't a sarcastic-yet-loving birthday post where I say I can barely stand you, yet put a bunch of hearts after that, finally saying "gib treat pls". Believe me when I say that I truly cannot stand you. You seemed like an okay person when I first met you last year but I finally realise what a stuck-up little witch you are. You should really work on that superiority complex you have. Owning 43 shades of MAC lipsticks does not make you any better than the rest of us, neither does having a rich boyfriend who buys you those lipsticks. 

I believe you should use this special day to work on improving yourself, although I don't think you being born makes a day any special. HBD. J"

FOR A PARENT
"Happy birthday, mother! I have to live with you and every day I listen to you judging my life choices, such as using my bed sheet as a plate for eating cookies. I acknowledge the impact you have on my life and how much I love you. However, I am uploading this picture from when I was 3 years old and you were in your 20s because you said you wouldn't let me have dinner unless I publicly profess my love for you on social media. As much as I love you, I don't understand why you're throwing a fit about this even after I got you that nice muslin saree. Is it because you're so young in this picture? Is it because all your friends' children put up corny statuses? 

Give me a break, please, mother. I'm tired and hungry."

FOR YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER
"We have forced cheesy conversations every day; I don't feel like doing some more of that here. I organised a very nice surprise birthday party for you and got you very nice presents. Today I also did not make mean remarks about your habit of putting up pointless selfies on Instagram. I was sure that would be enough, yet you chose to make a big deal out of me not answering my phone while I was in class. I don't understand what you want from me.

Happy birthday. I don't feel particularly in love at the moment. Planning birthday celebrations is stressful, especially since it's a thankless job. J"

Fake birthday posts are getting old, alright. Use these, be truthful. Make birthday posts genuine again. But if you want to avoid all sincere/insincere wishes on your own birthday and save yourself the valuable time wasted in typing replies, just hide your birthdate on Facebook.