This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES
Create a war council for every problem you face.

TAURUS
A bird in hand is better than two in the bush that did 7/11.  

GEMINI
The nature of war is constant. 

CANCER
Cluster bombs are illegal but custard bombs aren't. 

LEO
That's not the only 9 millimetre on me. Wink wink.   

VIRGO
Mosin-nougats are incredibly tasty.

LIBRA
Take your T-43 out for donuts at 300 feet.

SCORPIO
No scoping is not actually that bad of an idea.

SAGITTARIUS
A battle-axe is an excellent tool for the dinner table.  

CAPRICORN
Why did Ivan the Terrible have no friends? Because he was flay-ky.

AQUARIUS
Jet fighters are the future of transportation.

PISCES
In the event of a nuclear armageddon, stock up on power banks.