This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES
You are not alone.  

TAURUS
Oranges can be subjective too.

GEMINI
Unhinge yourself from your woes.  

CANCER
Are you sure you like peanut butter ice-cream?   

LEO
So, you're saying that your goldfish ate your cat?  

VIRGO
Kangaroos will visit you in the near future.  

LIBRA
Early birds don't catch worms, they catch a cold too.   

SCORPIO
Does it look like it's going to rain on your parade? 

SAGITTARIUS
I know you like Garbage Patch Kids.  

CAPRICORN
Don't worry, I wouldn't remember to buy milk either. 

AQUARIUS
Dogs don't like people who don't love them.

PISCES
Pink is not your colour.