Indian English: on 'mixed' marriages and phie years

Love In A Dead Language

But we should also note here that it is a misnomer, that it would be wrong to lump the enormous varieties of Englishes we South Asians deploy under the single banner of 'Indian English.' These variations, determined largely by social class and mother tongue, manifest themselves in pronunciation, vocabulary and grammar. To very briefly illustrate the matter, Bengalis, for example, use 'bh' for 'v,' thus say 'bhowel' instead of 'vowel' while South Indians tend to geminate voiceless double consonants, as 'Americ-ca' or 'sil-lee' for 'silly.' We Bengalis do not understand when South Indians say 'military hotel' (a non-vegetarian restaurant) while the latter look blank when Hindi English speakers and we talk about a 'grameen bank.' Common syntax displacement occurs, depending upon class and which English-medium schools we have gone to rather than regional influences, whether we say 'Laila is having two books,' or 'Laila has two books.' There is 'lathicharge' as verb, 'lathi charge' as noun, 'under trial' as a legal proceedings in court, or 'undertrial' as a person being tried in court. Then there are Indianisms; repetition, for instance, is used for emphasis, as in 'Your uncle is a big big idiot.' When one realizes that the process--the borrowings from regional and local languages and vice versa, the unpredictable combinations of idioms, phrases and spellings--is a constant, daily one, one begins to get an idea of the size and nature of the beast.

The first piece reproduced here is from Larry Siegel's Love In A Dead Language(1999), a book which deserves far more attention from us than it has gotten. It spoofs, among many other things, the English of Air India tourism, of Raj memoirs and letters, ancient shastras and matrimonial advertisements, of Hollywood's India, of upper and lower case (and caste) riots, of pseudo-scholarship and academic styles, of the time when one gets a touch of the Indian sun!

The second is from Psst, a satirical column in The Current, Bombay, in the 1960s, which regularly ended with the slogan 'Boycott British Language.'

And both, of course, have hints of Dhaka English--itself a variant of Bengali English--in them, the Dhaka seen in such signs as "Grand Shahi Biryani: the export quality food to exportable countries," or "Topclass firstrate tuition gurantied of A and O levels," or "Stamford University," or "London Cambridge School," and my own personal favourite, which never fails to lift my spirits, a red-and-yellow "Saifur's Spoken English taught here." An English which, for the moment, is defying the parodists. But there is always hope.

---- Editor, The Literature Page

The Setting: Professor Roth, American scholar of Sanskrit, is staying at the Banaras-Orissa-Nagpur-Eastern (B.O.N.E.) Railway Hotel with his Indian American girlfriend Laleeta Gupta. He is standing beneath a dusty portrait of Queen Victoria mounted on a grimy wall.

" 'Empress of India,' the barefoot servant in the green turban and matching cummerbund (belting an oversized and soiled white coat embroidered "B.O.N.E.R.") explained. 'Empressive Victoria, Jayanti Maharani--very beautiful, intelligent, generous, and number-one-quality queen.' He smiled affectionately at the dour visage of Her Highness. 'I do not know her personally. She is dead. Long live the Queen! She was considerate for Indian peoples.'

We were joined by Mr. Indrajit, the hotel assistant manager, who despite the tropical heat, wore a black suit, white shirt, and wide red tie. Apparently concerned that an illiterate 'peon' (as he so quaintly called him) might misinform me about Queen Victoria, he shooed him away disdainfully.

'Go to the buttery for hard work, you bloody lowly! As manager I have too many peon botherations and problema-tions.' He then commandeered the biographical narrative:

' 'Victorian this' and 'Victorian that,' people are always wrongly saying to indicate 'prudish this' and 'priggish that.' But, I confide in you, sir, that His excellent Excellency, His Highness the Maharajah of Anangapur, has confided in me that His Highness his father confided in His Highness himself that he had presented a copy of blessed Kamasutra by the great poet and scientist of Puri, Orissa, Shri Shri Professor Vatsyayan Malnag Mohanti, to His Highness Prince Albert, husband of Her Highest Highness, the Victoria in question, sir. As my confidence in you is confidential, sir, I am confident that you will not be spreading the tale hither and thither, but,' his voice lowered into a whisper, 'His and Her Highnesses were doing every Kamasutra thing, this way, that way, and every other way to boot, day and night, sir, not to mention night and day.'

The revisionist lecture on the secret life of Queen Victoria came, no doubt, as a result of the conversation we had had upon check-in:

'Your business, sir?
'Professor. I'm...'
'Which subject, sir?'
'India. I teach Indian...'
'India is an excellent place to study that excellent subject, sir. First you must read Bhagavadgita. It is in Sanskrit language, sir, and it is true.'
'Yes, yes, I've read it. At the moment I'm translating the Kamasutra, and I...'

'Kamasutra is also in the Sanskrit language, sir, and is also true. The Kamasutra makes patent what in Bhagavadgita is latent, and vice versa. These two scriptures are merely two sides of the same true story and golden coin. I will be most happy to take time out of my ever-hustle-bustle schedule to tell you everything you want to know, sir. But first, I beg your pardon, sir, there is one formality question: Why is your own good name, namely Roth, as clearly indicated on your excellent and always reliable United States of America passport, not one and the same as the name of your good wife, namely the name Gupta, as indicated on her United States of America passport? Has the United States made some blunder? Pardon me, sir, for asking, but it is a necessary formality at a five-star tourist hotel to have the precisest identifications for Police Commission, Ministry of Health, and All-Orissa Department of Tourism.'

'Our passports were issued before our wedding. We just got married, on May 29, just six weeks ago. We're on our honeymoon.'

'India is excellent place for a honeymoon. India is the number one country of Love: there is Taj Mahal of Agra, Temple of the Sun of Konarak, and romantic Puri beach. Kamasutra is an excellent book for a honeymoon. This hotel is excellent for a honeymoon. Mr. Rajiv Gandhi stayed here, in your same romantic room, I recall at the present moment, sir, with his bride Srimati Sonia Gandhi, on his honeymoon. Like yourself, sir, that was what Kamasutra terms a 'mixed marriage.' "

'Bhai phor how long Gorement is elect?'
'Ujually phor phie years.'
'Whyphore ujually?'
'Becoss in some times, it is not so ujually.'
'What that means?'
'Bhai according to Constitution, when one is elect M.P. or MLA, seat is rejerve phor phie years, but nowadays all oph sudden M.P. or MLA sitting in one seat is getting tired.'
'Muss to be pheeling phie year itch.'
'What is that?'
'Pheeling like to scratch.'