Backup Plans for Your Dark and Gloomy Future

No matter how much we hate the classic essay topic of "What I want to be when I grow up," we all have life goals. Some of us aim for certain professions, like being a doctor or a teacher. Some of us aren't that specific; we just want a nice big pile of money. Some of us are selfless enough to prioritize making the world a better place. However, there is an alarmingly large group of us who have wasted our precious time hanging out with friends, on the internet, or just sleeping. For those of you who are obviously not going to achieve your goals because you were too busy putting up Game of Thrones statuses on Facebook to study or finish your pending work, here's a list of alternative aims that you might like to pursue, to not make your life a total waste. 

Set up a cha-er tong: 
The only qualification you need for this is the ability to make tea. 

Con: You'd probably have to set up over an open drain, so you'd have to get accustomed to the smell. 

Pro: Imagine if you set up right next to the business that rejected you at your interview. How easy would it be to slip some laxatives into the tea ordered by the interviewer who didn't cut you some slack? Although, if this thought crosses your mind, you should probably consider "Criminal Mastermind" as a future career, too.  

Give out well-meaning advice through articles on youth magazines 
This one's a bit of a paradox: the reason you're following this path is because you procrastinate away all your time and have very low motivation and drive, but to write regularly, you need a lot of motivation and time. If you have the enviable talent of giving great advice to others while your life falls apart spectacularly, you will shine in this particular field. The best way to ignore your own problems is to help others through theirs. Take my word for it; I do this all the time.

Become an internet star
The difficulty of this lifestyle depends on your intentions. If you want to make a positive change or help other people overcome their problems, it'll take lots of time and dedication. You are, however, incapable of investing time and dedication in things that aren't video games or TV shows, so you'll have to resort to putting up viral videos to get followers. This is 2016, so content obviously doesn't matter. As long as there's a short, enjoyable catch line (preferably a swear word or insult of your own invention), you'll receive heaps of attention. Who cares if it's negative?

Be the unofficial food-tester for your mom
If all else fails, you can always just live with your parents and serve as the taste-tester for the dishes your mother cooks every time guests come around. This would be a promising future, with many advantages like sleeping in your own bed, not worrying about rent, getting free, delicious food, etc. Of course, you'll be the object of scorn and ridicule for all of your family and friends. If you're actually desperate enough to be looking to this article for advice, though, you're probably used to it.