Non-fiction
Retired bliss
Here I was munching away at my plate of French fries and contemplating the juicy looking hot dog in front of me while enjoying reading William Dalrymple's collection of real life stories Nine Lives at the Chittagong Club bakery when in walks my good friend Capt. Inamur Rahim in Friday pyjama/panjabi. His face lights up when he sees me as does mine and we embrace in a bear hug. Capt. Inam is a ship's captain, a Master Mariner who was once a senior bureaucrat with the government. Our acquaintance goes back two and a half decades. He is retired and I know he is financially well off, living in his own nice apartment on the same high rise building where we have also bought commercial space to house our offices, modified to accommodate two bedrooms where we stay while in Chittagong. We both have married daughters and his son has just graduated from a private university in Dhaka; my son graduated in 2007 from University of California, Irvine, and works for Western Digital on an H1B visa that he won in a lottery. Our son married in December 2009 and Capt. Inam is looking for a suitable bride for his son.
Inam Bhai looked over Dalrymple's book and wondered aloud where I got the time to indulge in the pleasure of reading. I retorted he was the retired guy and thus had all the time in the world to read books whereas I had to scrounge for scraps of time to squeeze in my reading! I said, "You are the retired guy with loads of time on your hands. I wonder when I'm going to have the luxury of retiring." "Count your blessings," he said. "Don't even think of retiring, even if you have all the money in the world." My curiosity was piqued, as I have lately been hearing such things from a lot of my retired friends. So I egged him on to tell me what bothered him and why on God's earth the joy of having nothing to do was not worth it! For starters he said it's the wife. I immediately looked furtively over my shoulder to see if any ladies were around, fortunately none. Then turned my expression into one of incredulity as I knew his begum, who was a rather nice person actually, good looking too! "Well, so what's with bhabi?" He brought his voice down a shade: "That's the crux of the matter. Now that I'm at home all the time, she's always picking on me." "Ah!" I said. I know the feeling my wife too doesn't let go of an opportunity to snap at me, nothing to worry about that's an occupational hazard of being married! "Tanveer Bhai, but you have a business to run, you have to go to the office." "Yes," I said, "I leave home a soon as possible after breakfast". "Pray may I ask, why is that? Why do you leave home immediately after breakfast?" asked Inam Bhai. "Well, basically to avoid the verbal spears that my wife hurls at me when I stick around too long at home." "There you are!" and Inam's face beamed. Grinning like a Cheshire cat, he said, "Imagine my predicament I am at home 24/7 and you cannot imagine the barbs that I have to fend off !" Oh! I said, I know, I know petty stuff like not folding the newspaper properly after reading it or leaving the bathroom untidy. "Hold on," he said, "how about not squeezing the toothpaste tube properly or having done that to her liking, why the cap of the tube is not screwed on all the way? Why is the toilet wet? Why is the towel not properly hung on the rack? Why is the napkin not stowed away in its proper place after dinner?" I got the hang of it I'd faced a good deal of such scolding myself but forgot them as soon as I was out of home. "That's the lucky part", he said. "You've got an escape, somewhere to go, first thing in the morning. Imagine, for me the only place to go is make myself scarce in the veranda till such time fresh charges are brought against me like being lazy, not watering the plants or doing any housework, watching too much of HBO or Travel and Living and ogling Nigella Lawson. 'Why on earth do men have to watch cooking lessons?' says my wife," said Inam Bhai.
While we are lost in conversation, in walks bhabi. Seeing me she flashes her familiar smile and turns on Inam Bhai, transfixing him with a withering glare. "Why are you wasting your time here, while we are waiting in the car for you to bring the food that we'll consume at home? Why does it take you so long to do the simplest things?" I tried to fade away into the woodwork if that were in some way possible. Fortunately the waiter came over just then with the food order all wrapped up and Inam Bhai blubbered an apology, gave me a 'you know what I mean' look, signed the bill and ran off after his wife before I could render a civil goodbye to bhabi!
My French fries and thereafter the luscious hot dog suddenly went bitter in my mouth. Ahem! Well, was this the retirement that I was looking forward to, the blissful lazy mornings, the late nights in front of the TV watching "World's Best Beaches" on Travel & Living or lounging on the sofa with my favourite book, listening to all the piles of CDs collected over the years. Oh no! Retirement's not for me not by a long shot. As long as there is a functioning bone in my body, I'll keep on working --- aches and pains be damned. Up with the larks, a quick breakfast and out of home, sweet home post haste; to return late at night all exhausted, to get at least an appreciative hug from the wife, a sweet word or two and off to bed and the land of nod. Day in day out! Okay with me! Any smart alecks want to differ?
At least the wife gives me a few calls during the day while I'm at work saying I'm missed and enquiring when I will be back. What would I like for dinner? What about the movie that we were planning to see this weekend! At least a passionate embrace on return from the office. Plans for early morning breakfasts with friends. I can imagine all these will be distant memories once I retire and try to spend all day at home with no specific routine! I'm dreading retirement already.
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