Musings
<i>Marriage, its pains and its pleasures</i>
A psychologist has cautioned certain categories of men and women against marrying. He seems as least generous enough not to generalize as Thales, an ancient Greek philosopher, did long ago --- 'for a young man not yet and for an elder man not at all." I would like to ask readers not to heed the philosopher in order to be spared the confusion and frustration, which such marriage-related views may lead to. But the psychologist's recipe is well worth consideration. Among those forbidden to marry are careerist boys or girls, men or women. It seems plausible that too much attention to one's career and prospects of getting on with it will mean emotional deprivation for one's spouse. And none can survive long a state of continued deprivation. In the case of a man, he gains his job, but loses his wife. Another class of hopefuls in marriage, doomed to frustration, is, according to the psychologist, the young man who is still a child at his mother's knee. Too much attachment for your blood relations must also reduce the share in your affection for the newcomer who is going to be more than anyone else in the world for you. And unless you outgrow the toddling whining child in you, you are not going to make a success of your marriage. But the most important condition for making a married life happy is the generous attitude of the boy, particularly in respect of spending for the comfort and prestige of the girl. And a girl values nothing so much in the world as the tangible chivalrous gestures from one who would love or marry her. The question is delicate, both to ask and answer: what kind of man attracts a woman? According to Novena, a Roman Catholic publication (London), it is the rake that wins. A woman will feign admiration for virtuous men and will shower her loud-mouthed praise on the goody-goodies around her. But when it comes to making a choice, she will make a dash for the rake. And the woman falls for him in order that she may reform him. But wherever the reformative zeal works too ardently, the consequences may be more deforming than reforming. Who is a model husband? Opinions will differ on such a vital question. The manliest of men will, however, not be a model husband to a woman who will want to henpeck her spouse. To a shrew, a model husband will be a cringing and obedient husband. A woman of a domineering kind will prefer a husband who is not going to challenge her supremacy in the household and will be glad to play second fiddle to her in all matters. To a woman who abhors doing household chores the ideal husband is one who can do all these chores, from cooking to babysitting. Such a husband is emerging in the West. While the wife will be out attending some party or shopping, the husband remains at home, prepares the dinner, feeds the baby and gets the house in shape before the wife returns. Such a husband is a prized possession for any woman. On the husband's part it may just be chivalry. But it is chivalry of a different kind, which has nothing to do with the chivalry of the gallant knights of old. Years ago a newspaper in Poland organized a contest on what constituted model husbands. Interestingly enough, the prize-winning husbands were those who helped in housework, looked after the children and made small repairs at home. One of the contestants knew how to knit socks and gloves and he was, moreover, a colonel. It seems that to be a husband in the West one has to combine in oneself all the wifely qualities. Jealousy in married life is very common. In fact, there is in the world no husband or wife who has not felt the anguish of jealousy at some point in life. Jealousy, the green-eyed monster, has been the most constant companion of every married couple since time immemorial. Shakespeare has immortalized the jealous lover in Othello. Jealousy's depredations are manifest in the vast number of divorces that take place every day. The figures for divorce in recent times may, in fact, lead to the conclusion that husbands and wives are more jealous today than they were in the past. The emancipation of women has brought them greater freedom of speech and movement. Economic pressure has brought a large number of women out of the home and into the workplace. Today there is much more mixing of the sexes than ever before. It means there are more chances of husbands and wives falling prey to jealousy. The husband may object to his wife's getting too intimate with the boss of the company in which she may be working. The wife is always out to find the faintest sign of intimacy between her husband and his lady secretary. A late return from office, the slightest indifference on either side, long and frequent telephonic conversations by either, can always bring jealousy into play. Conjugal jealousy was furiously demonstrated when in the US Lauren Bobbit severed the genitals of her husband a few years ago, when she discovered the unfortunate man locked in intimacy with another woman. In yet another instance of jealousy a man, in public, drowned his wife in a river after finding her in a car with another man. Under the thick coat of civilization and sophistication, man's primitive nature has not changed much. In today's world of reason the strict moral codes of the past are much relaxed. There is much more sexual freedom today. But in married life emotion still gets the better of reason. There is a universal complaint from wives that to a husband his newspaper and cards are more important than his wife and her hundred chores. On an evening when she would like her husband to go shopping with her, he will run away to his club on the pretext of attending an important meeting. The most frequently heard complaint from wives all over the world, however, is that husbands never remember (some say they deliberately forget) their marriage date. Yet another complaint against husbands is also that they never notice when their wives change their hairstyle or wear a new dress. It is only after a week or two that they will suddenly exclaim, "Oh, when did you change your hairstyle?" Or "When did you buy this new dress?" Men change after marriage; women do not. Women think it is to their credit that they do not change. Men pride themselves on being realistic and rational. They say they change because the situation after marriage changes. Was it not a man who said: "A marriage begins with a handsome prince doting over a beautiful princess and ends with a fat, pot-bellied, bald-headed man and a stout, overweight woman growling at each other across the table?"
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